@noog: Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told? Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
@mattgallo123: The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] How would you improve our business? "Dude, I'd bankrupt you in a week. I'm just catchin Pokemon in your office."