Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
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INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.