Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.