@meganamram: Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school
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@CYComedy: My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
@jctwritesstuff: So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
@Dre_77_: Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
@abbycohenwl: "It's a banana in my pocket" "May I remind the defendant that he's under oath?" *averts eyes* "I'm glad to see you"