@meganamram: Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school
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@RamblingMachine: In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
@InternetHippo: Me (bumping into someone): Oh no, I’m sorry. Sorry. So very sorry Talent scout for brand’s social media job: Young man, what’s your name
@fro_vo: [space shuttle] Captain: prepare for landing Me: roger that C: reverse thrusters M: sretsurht lol C: lol *we smash full speed into the moon*
@Rebecca8672: Awkward=when autocorrect changes 'sooner' to 'sober' so email to 8 yr. old's teacher reads "I apologize for not getting back to you sober"