Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?