Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
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People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m giving up ice.
Do not levitate over flowers
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time