@ieatanddrink: Just heard that distinct "baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor" sound
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@maurex23: "I like Trump because he isn't a politician." Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.
@CulturedRuffian: *at the gym* Trainor: Have a donut. Me: Wow! Sure! T: Here's some pizza. M: What kind of trainer are you? T: I'm a Megan Trainor.
@jctwritesstuff: Me: *tied up* Guy: *hits my kneecap* M: I'm not a rat! G: Bring in her sworn enemy! G2: *tosses Rubik's Cube at me* M: Oh god no! I'll talk!
@XplodingUnicorn: Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine. Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame. Then I know.