Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.