Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
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wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!