Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing