Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You Might Also Like
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
That’s classic.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers