Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
wow he looks just like him
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.