Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.