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@BackrowSeats: "Just how drunk are you?"
- "French toast"
@panmidwest: [Therapist's Waiting Room]
ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you
ME: I knew it!
@mariokeyparty: My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father
@davidkenny100: Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs
Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?
@GrantTanaka: HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I'M DRUNK NOT DEAF
@RuthanneReid: This did not end as expected.