There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*3.5 thank you very much.
SCARY COSTUME
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
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[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”