Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
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“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need