Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly