I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course