The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
just pretend nothing happened
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”