“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?