I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.