Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!