the #horror is real!
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whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I drew y’all a little something.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.