Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
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My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
you stereotypes are all alike
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.