@kalmooha: Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
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@weinerdog4life: I like to push the "stop time" button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.
@protolalia: Me: You're kidnapping me? Where're we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name- Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
@DrunksWithGuns: *Bar fight* Friend: you go high, I'll go low. Me: Ok. *friend tackles guy at waist* *me, singing falsetto*