Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
You Might Also Like
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.