Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.