My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
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dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Banana is the quietest snack
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.