Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️