Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Warm pools make me nervous.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
“We will wed,” I threatened
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem