Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Mornin
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!