Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.