@timdonakowski: Just lean back in your chair and say "caloric". It's exhilerating.
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@david8hughes: I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn't even at work. He heard from home.
@DonQuickoats: I don't always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding
@CheetoBandito77: I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn't reach the cookies in the cupboard.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." Friends: "No thanks." Enemies: "Also no thanks."