Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?