@buck4itt: Just learned an important lesson: When texting "wish you were here," that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Nephew: Do you like Minecraft? Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
@myles_morrison: Whenever your girlfriend tells you she's on her period remember not to say things like "that explains it."
@BrandandCo: I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with
@JediGigi: Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here. Coworker: What? Me: You just summoned me. I heard you. Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios. Me: Yes.