Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
3% human
97% stress
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”