Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
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what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.