@Kayditty: Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
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@blood_orphan: [rap battle] [my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
@Parentpains: My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.
@ConanOBrien: According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”