Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
sugar glider wrangler
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”