Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*sewing*
A thread
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Welcome to the stomach
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard