@skullpuppy11: Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
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@Fred_Delicious: Police chief - "I've been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster" Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
@GayAtHomeDad: If your partner/spouse tells you they're not reading everything you tweet: A) they're lying B) hi honey!
@moose_chocolate: I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it "Game of Thrones".
@cajones113: I'm in a very dark place right now. Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on...?