@skullpuppy11: Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
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@Prof_Hinkley: [emailing eHarmony match] Her: describe yourself Me: brown hair, kinda stalky Her: lol you mean stocky Me [through her bedroom window]: No
@KentWGraham: I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
@david8hughes: [stares at baby for almost an hour after I've finished feeding him] Wife: he can't talk, he's not going to thank you