Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood