@KentWGraham: Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Gre_Gone: [Clinic waiting room] Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??! Nurse: Sir don't shout that! Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
@Robert_Beau: You know you're getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
@NottaBigDeal: I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say "you're gross".