this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I’m calling the cops.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
translated into Canadian
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise