My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Erm…
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is