Good morning.
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Woke up against my better judgement again
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?