If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!