@JukeJointJesse: Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.
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@sunexplode: Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
@Mike_Bianchi: To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell "what?" into a mirror over and over.
@DrDogMD: NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick! DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don't you knock?!? *hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
@Reverend_Scott: [hospital] "The results are in. I'm afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live." But does my hair look good?