@JukeJointJesse: Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.
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@TitansHomer: Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"
@Momtoteens: Daughter comes home with shirt inside out. Me: Why is your shirt on wrong? Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"
@BlindChow: [drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar] give me another "haven't u had enough?" i'll tell u when i've had enough! *bartender hands me another kitten*