*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You Might Also Like
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
But I really needed water water water
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU