Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
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Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Leaving the Barbers like
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Generation gap…
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.