Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Love it! 👍😂
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time