Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
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Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?