Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
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We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
yea so i messed up lol
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.