I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.