Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA