Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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Lmao the reply
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
All set.
Sing it!
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
ATMs should have breathalyzers
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas