“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
You Might Also Like
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡