Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
You Might Also Like
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Skills
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough